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A GOODBYE LETTER TO MY LOVE!

I sit down to write this letter and my pen trembles in my fingers as my entire body appears to shake. My heart and soul appear to realize that the minute the pen and paper get into contact, the start of the end will begin and I am not certain that I need to go down that way. I am not certain if I am ready to go separate ways from you. I always saw it coming but it always appeared so far; there seemed to be room for reconciliation and so hope upon hope I did. Despite the fact that every morning and every night the answer was the same, regardless I would not like to peruse the signs. Be that as it may, now, it’s as clear as blue skies that the end is inescapable and she appears to have proceeded onward and it is the ideal opportunity for my absolute entirety to do likewise, however it alarms them so. Against all my will, I reach and we both shout as we realize that there is no turning back…

Dearest,

As much as I hate to divulge this to myself, this is probably the last letter I am writing to you. Alright, not probably but most definitely. It is the last time I will consider you passionately and allude to you as my dearest. This will be hard. I wish I could wish it all away and get amnesia at whatever point it comes to you, but you know what, it is what it is and it is long overdue.

We were introduced by facebook. I send a friend request, which may take a day or two to be accepted and voila! A connection is somehow made and as they say, the rest becomes history. I was not sure how you would react when you saw my friend request but the next time I checked my facebook page, I saw, ‘friend request accepted’. An instant smile appeared on my face. At the very first time I was not sure about you. That is why I ignored to continue a chat, but, week later when I got your massage that times an instant happiness blows in my heart.  We met online and we chatted and I found myself looking forward to facebook because somehow, I had proven you were an addict. A deep friendship quickly grew and we arranged for our first date.

I remember the first time we met. I was such a nervous wreck. It was not anything fancy as I remember, with a smile. Having you infront of my eyes, the butterflies in my stomach were having a field day! When you put your arm around me and cried I was bet surprised and confused but somehow I manage to understand the reason behind it. Electric waves went down my spine but after a while, I felt comfortable and I relaxed. Rest you know, that night I felt the heavens open and the angels sing. This was the beginning of a relationship that was never made official.

No, we were not boyfriend and girlfriend. At least you never referred commitments to me as such but the bond was so strong between us and it was our little secret. It felt like if you let anyone else know, it would spoil the somewhat perfection we had found in each other. And so we kept off the titles.

I recall with nostalgia, the long talks we would have every night before we closed our eyes only to meet in dreamland and pick up where we left and your wakeup calls in every morning, refreshed my mind with a thought that someone somewhere thinking about me. But we always seemed to be entwined despite the fact that we were not together; or perhaps it was just me. Perhaps I was the person who was absolutely stricken by you. Possibly I was in solitude in this pontoon, with my creative impulses appearing to be alive to the point that I never saw that in all actuality you weren’t there. However, when I reached for you, I would find you. I would touch you. I do not know where my reality stopped and my fantasy began. They all seemed to be one and the same.

After a while though, I noticed the calls reduced and the long time conversation also were rare. You had become too busy and you rarely had time for me. I wondered why it bothered me so much yet at first I was ok with talking whenever was possible. Then one morning it dawned on me, day-by-day I fall in deep love with you. I loving you was wrong, simply because you would never be mine. I loved you, with everything that was in me and with every passing second, that love seemed to grow stronger and stronger, yet you seemed to be slipping away further and further.

You became my addiction. I thought of you every waking moment and when I closed my eyes, I dreamed about you. I try calling but you never behave like before you did. I tried WhatsApp but somehow you were never on line and when you were, you always were too busy to say anything more than ‘hello’. With every failed attempt at communicate with you a piece of my heart broke and it hurt as bad as I loved you so. Why did I not take caution? But how do you? How do you tell your heart not to love? If you know how, please tell me the formula, for you seemed to manage well.

You became unfriendly and every second I felt you slipping away from me and I tried holding on with all I could. I even became a stalker I think, with texts left. But it’s like you had become defiant to me; it’s like you had become impervious to me. Nothing I did or said moved you and when we meet for the last time, you acted like everything was ok. I could not believe it. With all these, despite everything I trusted that by one means or another you would wake up and acknowledge how purge your life was without me and that you would run to my arms but that was just a far-away dream. I turned into a bug to you I think and it hurt me so as I remembered our first times together. I was holding on to them like my very existence depended on them. I think for a while it did. My love for you and your rejection of it had worn me out and I was weak….

I was in a fantasy world for a while. Seeing you and I together, happy, before the date arrived. After twenty days of illusions, somehow I manage to continue a friendly conversation between us, and you behaved as usual normal and I was so happy with that, because somehow I manage myself and requested you to talk to me until your marriage and you agreed about it. But, that darkest night takes way everything from me, you not just refused to talk to me also did misbehave and insulted my love and feelings for you, I remember how poor I was, how I beg infront of you but result is ended with a hard slap across my face. At the end of that darkest night, I came to know about your reality, the way you leave me, it broke me apart! I can be fine without your love but I can’t able to manage with such a insult, for a while I just forget about love and all these things and I just remembered that insult which snake me inside, because you were the first and surely the last person who did such a rubbish behave with me, and I can’t bear it. The reality sank in forcefully and it hurt so much. I told myself I would not cry. Told myself I would not miss you. But I did both. I wept! And I missed you terribly that I got love sick…How could life be so cruel. For a while, I hated you or so I thought. But after a while, I realized it was not hatred, it was just a wounded soul weeping and blaming you for it.

You never asked me to be honest with you, to fall in deep love with you, may be you don’t deserved so, but, I just did. And, I don’t want to blame you anymore, let it be in the hand of god. I accepted it as my fate and that’s just life. Well, I hated you, I mourned you and finally, with one last look at that photo of you, I let you go. With a smile and tear…I let you go. It has been a long journey and I wish I hadn’t travelled it but you know what, I am the better for it. I have learned a lot but my favorite mantra, I will not cry because it ended, I will smile because it happened. I will hold on to the good and discard the bad memories. I choose to remember you with the good memories. And, you know why someone told me that, “Forgive her but never forget what she did with you. And, as I know you since long therefore I had a request to you, after all these painful memories, if you have a little place for me in your heart then allow me to enter, I don’t promise that I will always make you happy but I promise I won’t let you travel alone in the journey of life, whether it’s good or bad I will be with you by your side”. After listening to her, I decided to move on and we are going to be together forever as soon as possible.

So to you that my spirit and heart adored and wanted to loved by love, good bye. I wish all of you the happiness on the world since I became more acquainted with that heart inside and it is delightful. I hope that he treats and cares you well, because I am no more there to care for you. I will miss you but I know one day I will wake up and a far-away beautiful memory you’ll be. I know it will get easier with time and the next time I meet you ( hopefully not),I will be able to look you in the eye, say hello, maybe even give you a hug, and smile at you and not wish that I was the one in your arm. Until then, my affection, may life treat you kindly and reasonably and may love never at any point escape you. I wish all of you the happiness and that you will never cry, unless its tears of happiness however not from a broken heart.

I adored you genuinely. Part of me possibly always will but it’s time now. It’s the ideal time for me to say bid GOOD BYE and let you go. To set you free and let you be. Also, as I put a full stop to this letter, then I put a full stop to what you and I were. What exactly you and I have been through. It is THE END.

Thank you my last MISTAKE..!

GK Dutta

GK Dutta is a Social Worker by Passion and Consultant by Profession. In 2001 he started his journey as a Social Worker and then there are the 20 years and have continued his Social and Human Rights Activities and through these journey, had a great privilege to working with various National and International Voluntary and Human Rights organisations.

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